iTake a Chance
by bsloths
Summary: Freddie tries to sort out his feelings after his mood app reveals that Sam is in love with him. Set during "iLost My Mind." Oneshot. Seddie.


Disclaimer: I don't own _iCarly_. I'm just borrowing the characters for the purpose of fleshing out Freddie's feelings during "iLost My Mind." Something, I think, that is extremely necessary for Freddie's character development. Thanks, Dan!

**iTake a Chance**

I was lucky to have three days to think things over. In a way, I was relieved that Sam disappeared. It would have been so awkward for us to see each other and act normal after what happened. But by the third day, I was just as worried as Carly was.

I'd been avoiding Carly. Not really on purpose. I'd just been spending a lot of time in my own apartment, staring into space, replaying the kiss over and over in my mind.

Kiss_es_.

The first time we kissed, I was relieved that it wasn't terrible. I'd had my first kiss, it was nice, and we could go back to being almost-not-quite-friends without any weirdness, because we both knew its sole purpose was to "get it over with."

The second time we kissed, my head was spinning from trying to figure out if the girl I was on a date with was really Sam or Melanie, Sam's twin who just happened to never be in the same room as her sister. Now, I'm 99.9 percent certain that Melanie exists. So really, that kiss hadn't been with Sam. But at the time, I thought it was. It was, well … nice. Though I'd been shocked that "Sam" would kiss me _again_, I couldn't get worked up enough to be opposed to the idea. I got a little jolt of satisfaction that maybe Sam felt the same way about kissing me as I did about kissing her—that it wasn't a bad experience. At all.

But the insults and torments and bodily harm continued. We learned to trust each other enough that we were unacknowledged friends. Good, good friends. But I could never really revisit the idea of kissing her, because I knew how she acted around guys she liked. And she did not pinch, poke, or otherwise maim guys she wanted to kiss. So I decided to relax and just be her friend. Take less and less of her crap, and stand up for myself so she'd respect me. And that worked for us.

Until a few weeks ago when Brad came into the picture. All of a sudden the three of us started hanging out, and I couldn't help but feel jealous that Sam wanted to spend so much time with Brad. I was annoyed at myself for being jealous, but knew that I couldn't help it—I felt protective of her and didn't want to see her get hurt, which, let's face it, is what friends do.

Then the mood app showed that Sam was in love. After all of the misunderstandings of that night, the truth finally came out—_I_ was the one she was in love with. I can't say I was thrilled about it. When we kissed for the third (or second, depending on whether Melanie is real) time, I was taken completely off guard. I had no idea it was coming and because of that, it wasn't that great. But for the third time, what ran through my head was … this is nice. I didn't have time to tell her any of that, though, because she ran off and disappeared. Brad and I had to finish our project alone, my emotions all in a jumble. I kept thinking, Sam's in love with _me_? _Sam's_ in love with me? Sam's in _love_ with me? I didn't let myself think the one thing that mattered: Am _I_ in love with Sam?

And then there was Carly. I'm not really _over_ her, but my feelings for her have dimmed in the last year or so. Dating her was great, but honestly, not as great as I'd always imagined. For so long afterwards, I kept hoping that she'd come back to me. I was sure she'd realize that her attraction to me wasn't based on my "hero" status, and we'd live happily ever after.

But that hasn't happened. So I nursed my broken heart quietly and continued to be her friend, which, I have to admit, is a pretty good gig.

…

So here I am, at Troubled Waters Mental Institution, looking for Sam. Or as I've been referring to her in my head these last few days, Sam-who's-in-love-with-me. Because I really can't seem to separate that fact from anything else about her.

Sam's in love with me, and Carly's okay with that (which must mean that she's not jealous at all, which I guess, is good). We're going to have to somehow convince Sam to rejoin society. As my girlfriend?

I'm going to throw up.

I enter Sam's room to find Carly in Sam's death grip. I feel relieved to have finally found Sam, but given the wild look in her eyes, I'm not sure I'm someone she wants to see right now.

Well, too bad.

I rescue Carly and realize that I've just touched Sam for the first time in three days. I grabbed her wrists so she'd let Carly go, and it worked.

But I didn't feel any kind of spark or jolt or whatever you're supposed to feel when you touch someone you're attracted to, like I always used to feel when I touched Carly. It's impossible to tell what Sam is thinking, and Carly is skeeved out from licking Sam's hand.

Carly leaves us alone, and I try not to panic. Sam is going to kill me, isn't she? This is how it's going to end.

Surprisingly, Sam is acting like a confused little girl right now, and it's unnerving. I've never been allowed to see her vulnerable. The first night we kissed was the only time. Today, she seems scared and upset, and I want to make her feel better, but I know that I'm more of a problem than a solution right now.

I try to comfort her, but of course she refuses any kind of affection. Doesn't she get that no matter what, I care about her as a friend?

I'm confused, and I guess I'm a little scared, too. Sam just told me she likes me. She admitted it. To my face.

Of course, she's also telling me that she's insane for liking me, that that's why she's in here in the first place. That's not exactly the best beginning for a relationship.

But this is Sam. What am I expecting, for her to fall into my arms and declare me her hero? She's not Carly.

And, I realize, I love that about her. She's not Carly. She's one hundred percent, distinctly, twenty-four-seven herself, no matter the consequences.

I stand in her room and listen to her rant. I'm not surprised when she focuses more on the quesadilla than on me. Her love of food is another thing that I really like about her. But I'm going to have to find some way to teach her to share. I haven't eaten all day from the nerves, and that quesadilla looks _good_.

Somehow, I say exactly what she needs to hear, and she agrees to come home. I haven't told her anything about how I feel, and she hasn't asked.

But I know where she stands. She likes me, but she doesn't want to date me. She doesn't want our friendship to change. I agree with that. I'm terrified of being her boyfriend. But I'm excited, too. Maybe Carly was right. Maybe this _is_ a whole new chapter in our lives. The idea of getting to kiss Sam Puckett whenever I want is more than a little enticing.

Over the next two days, I don't have any more time to think about my feelings for Sam or how we can possibly make a relationship between us work. We're too busy trying to get Sam out of Troubled Waters.

When everything blows up in our faces and we end up having to do iCarly from the mental institution, I'm so tired that I don't want to think anymore. I just want to film iCarly, and then go home and finally try to get the sleep I've been missing out on for almost a week now.

My stomach drops when Carly brings up "Seddie." Do we have to do this now, live? What purpose could it possibly serve to bring our crazy fans into my personal life?

But I shut up and let her talk. I honestly don't have the energy to argue.

Becca thinks I'm hot. Well, thank you, Becca. At least somebody appreciates me. If all the video chats are this good, I could film all night. Carly basically tells Becca she's crazy for thinking that. Well, thanks, Carly. Why does everyone think a girl must be insane to want me? That's doing wonders for my self-esteem. But do I stand up for myself? No. I need to work on that.

Carly does stuff like this all the time. She rubs it in that she'd never be with me, whether she means to or not. Sam, at least, isn't sneaky with her insults. I always know exactly how she feels about me, good or bad.

And Sam has been saying, loud and clear, for almost a week now, that she loves me. Who the heck am I to turn her down?

Yes, we fight, and we tease each other, and she can be really, really rude.

But I also know that she'd do anything for me. That I can trust her with things that really matter. That I can tell her anything, even if it sounds weird. That I always, always have fun when I'm with her. That no matter what, we'll stay friends, because somewhere along the line these past few years, we grew to love each other.

Sam's had enough of these video chats. So have I.

I convince her to see one more. And then, maybe because I'm sleep-deprived, or maybe because it's really freeing to finally understand that I _do_ want to be with her, I turn the camera on myself. I can feel her watching me, obviously terrified.

That's the thing. Sam doesn't scare easily. Until it comes to feelings. She thinks I'm going to reject her in front of hundreds of thousands of people.

She's known me a long time. She trusts me. I just hope she can trust me with this.

I take a deep breath. "Hey, it's me, Freddie." I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I know it's too late to turn back now. "So, uh, a lot of people have been talking about whether Sam and I should, you know, 'go out' with each other. And it's like everyone's wondering if _Sam_ is crazy for wanting to." I know my voice is cracking a little, and I'm shaking, but I feel more confident with each word. "But nobody asked me how _I_ feel." I look at Sam, and see that she's trembling a little herself.

"We talked about it … " she cuts in.

"No, _you_ talked. You told me how _you_ feel, while you ate a quesadilla." I hope she realizes that I'm completely right. She never bothered to see if there was even a chance I felt the same way. I can't say I blame her for that, though. I mean, Sam has always been selfish, and she puts herself first. I'm okay with that, because right now, I have the floor, and she knows I'm putting her in her place. I can see the recognition in her eyes. I have her right where I want her.

I continue my video chat, as much for the viewers as for me to have a record of my speech. I may need to hold it against Sam later. We'll see. "Anyway, yeah. It's important how Sam feels, but how I feel's important too."

Sam gets angry. "Okay, Benson, we get it. You want to humiliate me on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead, just do it, I don't care." She's on the verge of tears, I can tell, even though I know she won't actually cry in front of me. I'm shaking again as I put down the PearPad. I don't even hear what she's saying anymore. She's so sure I won't return her feelings. Well, guess what, Puckett—you're stuck with me.

It's more perfect than I could ever have imagined. I cut her off midsentence with a kiss. Adrenaline shoots through me as I reach forward to press my lips to hers. I have my hand on her waist, lightly squeezing, and I feel her tentative hands on my biceps. This is so much better than the other times we've kissed. We're both completely in the moment, concentrating on each other, and this time it doesn't just feel nice, it feels _incredible_. Yeah. I could keep doing this.

I'm vaguely aware of clapping around us, and we break apart. She looks around, and I can see her relax. "You mean that?" she asks, still skeptical. I notice that neither of us has moved our hands from the other.

I do the only possible thing _to_ do in this situation. I tell her the truth. "So, I guess we're both insane."

Sam's more relaxed, but she's still worried. "So now what?"

I wonder the same thing, but then Goopy Gilbert ruins our moment, and all I can think about is when I'm going to get to kiss her again.


End file.
